Starved

STARVED!

I was 14, I just walked in from dance  practice. It was chili night. I HATE CHILI!!!!. I opened a can of peaches and poured them into a bowl. I took one bite and suddenly I was disgusted. I quickly dumped them in the trash and went to bed. I woke up the next morning and had this sense of accomplishment. I skipped dinner! I DID IT!! I was so proud. That is when it began.

At 14 I  began to develop this love for hunger. I felt as if I had more energy and more joy.  I felt in control of my emotions when I was hungry. I felt powerful, valable, and noticed. I felt strong even when in reality I was so weak.  It suddenly became a game; how long could I go without eating? How hungry could I feel before I passed out? It wasn’t about weight in the beginning. However, the deeper I fell into this game, the more I began to hide my  deep rooted pain behind calorie memorizing , numbers on a scale and obsessive working out and I was trying to hide it all.

Eating disorders do not go away overnight. I’m not always so strong in this area. I still struggle with the mental thoughts and longing to go back a lot. Im headed in the right direction though. I’ve traded calorie memorizing with scripture memorizing because His word is truly alive and active.

“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”  Hebrews 4:12

I’ve traded multiple weight checks a day to make sure I haven’t gotten too fat with multiple moments a day of check in with Jesus. I talk to Him often. I would weigh myself three or four times a  day. At one point I came home during my lunch everyday because I worked close to home. I came home just to weigh myself and the number on the scale would determine if I got to eat lunch that day.  

I’ve also traded the silence with sharing. I don’t want to keep my struggles silent because I know there are others who need to know that they are not alone.

When I started eating again, the more I ate the more mental clarity I had to recognize the voice of the eating disorder. This disorder that told me I was in control, I looked amazing, I could go one more meal… This disorder was actually controlling me. I could see that when my body wasn’t completely starved.  Some of us as christians, we are starving for the word of God.

Our spiritual stomachs are so empty that we cant determine the difference between the truth from God and the lies from the enemy. Take a moment to allow that to sink in. We need the word of God and we need constant communication with Him daily. The more we read His word, the more time we spend in prayer and fellowship with other believers the more we start to recognize the weapons that the enemy is using against us. I’m talking to myself and I just hope I have a fellow friend out there in the same spiritual boat. I hope I’m not alone. I hope I’m not the only one who struggles to make time to read His word and to talk to God. I do struggle with this. Not because I don’t want to make him the most important part of my life but because life has a way of becoming so filled with day to day obligations that putting God first feels impossible but ITS NOT. We can’t let it!

Three things to start now…

• Read one scripture each day!
• Talk to God. Just like you would a friend. He’s not shocked by anything you say.
• Find a local church to be part of. Fellowship with others who are believers is important!

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that fully well.” Psalms 139: 13-14