While pregnant with Jay I found myself feeling down a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to be growing Jay inside of me but the sadness was heavy. I assumed it would pass after delivery. I was wrong. As soon as Jay was born, physically I felt amazing but emotionally and mentally I continued to struggle. Postpartum depression hit hard but I didn’t realize that was happening. It wasn’t until his pediatrician contacted my OBGYN out of concern for me that I was told I was suffering from postpartum depression. Everything suddenly made sense. I had the most challenging time connecting with Jay. A struggle I never experienced with Ellie. I could tell He was struggling too. He never seemed comfortable in my arms. It was beyond difficult to connect with Jay when he didn’t want to be touched. I felt like I was doing everything wrong when all I wanted was to wrap Jay in my arms and sing him to sleep.
Remembering those first few months with Jay and how hard it was that He really wanted nothing to do with me opens my eyes to how Jesus must feel when we choose other things and people over spending time with Him.
In Luke 10:38-42 we read the story of Mary and Martha. Jesus comes to visit and Martha is anxiously running around preparing dinner for her guest. Meanwhile Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus listening intently to His every word. Martha becomes angry and scolds Jesus because He was not the least bit concerned that she was making dinner alone while Mary was sitting at His feet.It seems as though Martha was hoping Jesus would set Mary straight by telling her to go help her sister but instead…
Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42, NIV)
There is nothing and no one more important than Jesus and the time we spend with Him. Mary understood this.
Now! Jay is always running up to me for a hug or pat on the back. He loves to sit on my lap and wants me to lay with him as he falls to sleep each night. He will now lay on my chest and it’s doing wonders for my mama soul. I don’t have to beg him to do any of this because all on his own he simply wants to be close to me. It’s the best feeling in the world when for so long I felt we would never bond.
Jesus doesn’t want to beg us to be close to Him. He will not force us to spend time with Him. We have free will. However, Jesus longs to be near to us. He longs to hear us call out to Him and He longs for each of us to sit at His feet intently listening to His every word. Just as Mary did!