When I was little my dad convinced me that he could make the car fly. I was in the back seat and very gullible. “Make it fly” I shouted with my hands in the air. He put his hand on the clutch and I screamed out, “No! It’s too scary” He took his hand away and smiled this huge smile that I have sketched in my memory. Again, I shouted “Ok! I’m ready! Make it fly!” He put his hand on the clutch again and looked at me through the rear-view mirror and OF COURSE I chickened out. I never got to see him fly the car that day but for the longest time I believed he could.
My dad gave Jay a toy car for almost everyday of the year this past Christmas. Looking at the cars, I’m reminded of the car I never let him show me how to fly. I’ve been dreaming up ways we can showcase these toy cars in our home. For him the toy cars mean so much more. Once upon a time he had a son named Brook who he bought toy cars for. Brook passed away a week before he turned one and now my dad buys cars for Jay. I believe its a way of emotional healing for my dad. My dad is currently in the hospital… AGAIN! He’s been sick for too long but every time we think it’s the end he pulls through. I’m praying he pulls through again but ultimately I just want him to smile like he smiled that day in the car. The way he smiled the day he found out about Ellie. I could hear his smile through the phone that day. I want him to smile like the day he smiled when he held Ellie for the first time. The way he smiled when he met Jay this past November. I’m praying for Gods will not mine. His way not mine. His time not mine. ultimately my dad belongs to Jesus so I’m putting him in His hands.
This is what I know. From the time my dad heard about Ellie I have watched God completely change him. He is far from perfect but he tries. I’ll never forget hearing “I don’t want Ellie to see the same things you girls saw!” I can’t forget when he said “I need to put my faith in Jesus again!” And He did.
We sang, It Is Well With My Soul in church this Sunday. I didn’t know how much I needed that song till now. Because my dad knows Jesus, it truly is well with my soul. No matter what happens IT IS well with my soul. I’m saying Gods plan is well with my soul. The only way I’ll ever see my dad smile again even if not on earth is through Gods plan for my dad. Not my desires. Not what I want. Not the story I want to tell but His story for my dad. If my dad pulls through I’ll celebrate. If he doesn’t I’ll still celebrate because with Gods plan my dad WILL smile again. It’s just a matter of where.
“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Like 22:42 NLT