I woke up to this picture in my time hop. I started crying. It’s been one year. One year ago today our lives changed forever! The words “but you are in the process of a miscarriage” still haunt me! Wondering what our baby would have looked like still brings tears to my eyes. Imagining the love Ellie would have given her baby leaves me a little angry. BUT knowing our baby is in the arms of Jesus. That gives me peace. I took this picture aug 13th 2018. Moments later we began to miscarry our 2nd baby. I can’t help but imagine that Ellie was pointing to heaven where our baby is now. I know, in reality this is not true. She was pointing at the birds. I know because she said “look mom birds!” However, the thought still gives me peace and hope. This picture is a constant reminder that Ellie is a big sister to a little one in heaven.
I know I’m not alone. There are so many of you who have and are facing the very same thing. If I could say one thing here it is….
Grieve! It’s ok to cry. Your baby counts! Give yourself permission to simply grieve! I struggled with this for a while. Did I really deserve to cry over a pregnancy that was early? Then it hit me. Maybe it was God speaking. Maybe it was grief! I realized though we were all an early pregnancy at one point. We were all once barely noticed on the ultrasound but look at us now. We all started so tiny that no one but God knew we existed BUT that’s the beauty in this terrible word called miscarriage. He knew we were there. We mattered to Him before we were seen on an ultrasound or before the two lines appeared. This fills me with so much peace. I’m not grieving Someone who never existed. I’m grieving a child who God loves so much and who I will never not love or remember. However, on a whole new level I am reminded how precious we are to God. He was the first one to start loving us and He will never stop loving us.
Even in this moment I fear my sadness my grief will be rejected by you. I fear YOU will say “you were only…” but let me remind you this post is not for you. It’s for all the ones struggling with this very question? Can I grieve the loss of my very early pregnancy? Permission granted!