Hold Him Up!

2010 was a tough year for me. I lost my first real job, my stepdad passed away and I was already in the mist of dealing with a lot of past childhood trauma. My stepdad passing away shook me. Suddenly my anxiety hit an all time high and to be quite honest I was no fun to be around. I cried all the time. When I wasn’t crying I was angry and mean. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was not the best version of myself in anyway. Jessie and I were dating at the time and I’ll never forget how strongly he stood by me. I know it was not easy for him to walk beside me in my pain and heartache. He took a huge part of my pain and frustration on his shoulders when he had every right to walk away. He prayed with me and for me. He held my hand at the funeral. He stood beside me as I cried over my stepdads casket. He carried his casket as well. He was always waiting with the biggest hugs. When I first heard the passing of my stepdad he held me as I sobbed in a way I never knew anyone could sob. Guys, he stood beside me for the next two years as I grieved in a way I never thought anyone could. One specific thing I remember is him knocking on my door on many occasions telling me that he was taking me to dinner or breakfast. When I gave up on myself and wanted to isolate from friends, family and food he showed up and loved me. I’m so thankful God placed him in my life.

There is the story of Moses. The story tells us that Moses’ hands grew tired. As long as Moses was able to hold his hands up, Joshua prevailed, but as soon as his hands grew weary and dropped, Amalek prevailed. When Moses’ strength began to fail, Aaron and Hur put a rock under him to sit and held up his arms. (Story found in Exodus 17)

This story reminds me of Jessie when like Aaron and Hur, he held me up when I felt I would surely fall.

“Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.” Exodus 17:12 NLT

Before Jessie ever said “for better or worse” he was choosing to love me at my worst. That is a different kind of love in my book.

Over the last year I have seen Jessie navigate through his season of emotional pain. The sleepless nights and feelings of hopelessness. Anxiety attacks and feeling burned out. Seeing him in a season where he doesn’t feel like himself and limping through life but trying to keep on going. Experiencing a loved one go through these things can make us want to push them away but I want to love Jessie like he loved me when my arms were too tired for me to keep holding them up. ❤️

I love you Jessie Rayos ❤️